How She Met His Mother
by FrankLeroux
Summary: Marcus, Jack, Kelly, and Samara are visiting his hometown of Glasgow. It turns out that Marcus' mother has a teensy problem. Can our intrepid heroes solve it? Of course they can. Can they solve it without leaving the city a smoking crater? Mmmmaybe... (A 'sidequel' to "Tango 'Til They're Sore", but much sillier.) Rated M for language and some suggestive situations.
1. How To Cook A Meal

John Shepard, Spectre of the Citadel Council, hummed happily as he signed off on the last round of repairs. It was a good day. The external damage and scoring from their desperate assault on the Collector base was finally fixed, and the _Normandy_ was now sporting a brand-new paint job. Any Cerberus colors were long gone, and the ship now had the red, black, and white-trimmed color scheme that they'd come up with after 'parting ways' from Cerberus during the Collector mission.

The Spectre's steel-blue eyes looked up at the holographic schematic of the _Normandy_ that hung in the center of the CIC. He had what all captains desire; a healthy ship and a good crew. That last part was the only thing that gave him a little pang of sadness. He'd forged an outstanding ground team during the Collector mission, and now most of them were gone.

Zaeed had been the first to head out, intent on starting his new mercenary company. Grunt, of all people, had been the next to go. The krogan had been followed by Mordin, and then Miranda and Jacob. The latter two were not a surprise; Cerberus still had a significant bounty on their heads and hanging around a famous Spectre was probably ill-advised. Garrus and Kasumi were off visiting his family on Palaven. Apparently, Garrus was getting involved with local turian efforts to set up defenses against the 'dangerous AI' that the Council were still refusing to call Reapers. Thane had headed out to track down his son and make some peace before his illness claimed him. Offers of help by Shepard had been rebuffed with a smile. The drell wanted to do this on his own.

Jack and Marcus Donnelly were gone as well, first to visit Marcus' mother and then head out for the Grissom Academy. That was unfortunate on a couple of fronts; Marcus was a hell of an engineer and knew the _Normandy_ like few others. Kelly and Samara had tagged along for the visit to Earth, but at least they would be returning afterwards.

But Legion was still on board and planning to stay as an ambassador of sorts for the geth. And most importantly, Tali was remaining on board. The Spectre smiled to himself as he thought about the last time they'd made love in his newly-renovated cabin. Her silver eyes and smooth gray skin danced in his memory as his omni-tool gave a subtle 'ping'.

He looked down in annoyance. But as he read the incoming message from Admiral Hackett his irritation turned to cold fear. This was not a good day after all. This was a very, very bad day.

He cleared his throat and looked back up in panic. "EDI? Where's Tali?"

The AI's voice was smooth and seemed to come from everywhere at once. "I believe she is in Engineering, Shepard. But I do not have an exact location. Some of my internal sensors are still under repair and refit."

"Oh, shit." He turned and sprinted for the elevator. He had to find his new Chief Engineer, as of _yesterday_.

* * *

"Tali!" Shepard yelled as he ran into Main Engineering. One of the contractors looked at him curiously. "Have you seen Tali?" he demanded.

The contractor looked a little flustered at being directly addressed by a living legend. "Um, not recently? I think she said something about making some repairs down in the hangar..."

The last word was scarcely out of the contractor's mouth before the Spectre was racing out of the room again, muttering "Fuck, fuck, fuck..."

* * *

Tali was halfway into an access port on the hangar deck when she heard the clatter of booted feet. She ducked her head out curiously and saw Shepard come pelting into the hangar. "Tali!" he yelled with relief. "Good, I found you. Come on, we've gotta go." His eyes were wild.

She slung herself out of the port and stood up. "What's wrong?" The last time Shepard had been this upset, four of the _Normandy's_ crew had been captured by the Collectors.

"No time, have to get to the main airlock." He looked down at himself. Shepard had taken to wearing an old hoodie of his during the repairs. He also had a little stubble on his jaw. "Shit, shit, motherfucking _shit_. I look like a bum."

"You look fine," said Tali. "Just a little scruffy, that's all. What is this, a surprise inspection? You're not in the Alliance anymore."

"No, it's not an inspection. It's worse. Come on!" He turned and sprinted out of the hangar. Tali shrugged mentally and followed at a more sedate pace.

The quarian glanced curiously over at Shepard once they were in the elevator. "You can't fill me in? Just tell me. Is the ship going to get blown up or something?"

He shook his head. "No, its...the SSV _Orizaba_ just docked at the Citadel."

Tali thought for a bit. "Why do I know that name? Oh, wait. That's the starship..."

"...that my mother is captain of," finished Shepard. "And I know her. She's probably already on her way to our dock."

Tali laughed. "Oh, stop being silly. This is a wonderful thing, right? You haven't seen her in at least a couple of years."

Shepard's blue eyes were worried. "We're not ready. I would have made sure the ship was cleaned up, gotten everyone in their dress uniforms..."

Tali stopped his fretting by reaching down and gripping his big hand in her own strong three-fingered mitt. "It. Will. Be. Fine. She's your mother." Then a new though struck her and she started worrying as well. "But what is she going to think of _me_?"

* * *

Joker looked up curiously as they both jogged into the neck of the _Normandy_. "What's up, folks?"

"Shepard's mother," said Tali simply. She saw the pilot nearly levitate out of his chair. That didn't help her nerves. She knew that Joker had met Captain Shepard previously, so the human must be a real 'crack-the-whip' type.

The inner door of the _Normandy's_ main airlock hissed open. Beyond it stood a tall, lanky woman with short brown hair the same color as Shepard's. The woman was clad in a spotless blue-and-black Alliance dress uniform. She looked over at Shepard and then down at Tali with sharp hazel eyes.

"Permission to come aboard," she asked in a quiet but firm voice.

"Granted," replied Shepard. He smiled as she stepped into the _Normandy_. "Hi mom," he said, and moved forward to hug her.

She stopped his attempted hug with a single finger pressed into his chest. "Oh, no. Don't you 'Hi mom' me, you little snot. Introduce me to your lady first."

"Ah, of course. Captain Hannah Shepard, may I present the _Normandy's_ Chief Engineer, Tali'Zora vas Normandy."

The woman smiled at Tali, and held out her hands with her palms up and her forearms parallel to the deck. "It's a pleasure, Tali. Keelah Sel'ai."

Tali reached out, mirroring Hannah's gesture, and then the two women clasped each other's forearms together. The quarian realized that Hannah must have read up on the physical gestures used in a formal quarian greeting. "Keelah Sel'ai," Tali responded.

Hannah smiled wider. "Now that the formalities are out of the way, do you mind if I give you a hug? It looks like we're going to be relatives."

Tali blushed a little and nodded. She stepped forward and hugged the Captain in the human manner, and Hannah returned the embrace warmly.

Then the Captain looked over to where Joker stood as upright as he could next to his chair. "Joker? What are you doing all the way over there?" She crooked a finger in a 'come hither' gesture and the pilot hobbled closer with an uncertain expression on his face.

Hannah gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder in lieu of a hug. "It's great to see you, Jeff. Honestly, I'm not going to bite."

He gave a half smile and shrugged. "Well, you know, a lot has happened since the last time we met."

"Indeed," she replied. "I regained a son, for one thing." She fixed Shepard with a steely eye. "Although that son could contact me more frequently. Six _months_ *?"

He rubbed the back of his neck. "I sent an email as soon as I could, mom. Right after I got, um, woken back up. After that I was pretty busy running around dealing with the Collectors. And it's been nuts here lately, getting the _Normandy_ refitted. I was just about to call you when-"

Hannah snorted and rolled her eyes. "Sure, sure. You were gonna do all sorts of wonderful things. Just consider yourself duly chastised and keep me in the goddamn loop, okay? I hate having to use the tabloids to find out what my only baby boy is up to."

She turned back to Tali with a smile. "Now, if you don't mind I'd love to get a tour of the ship."

"Certainly," replied Tali as she took Hannah's arm.

* * *

"This is impressive," said Hannah. She stared up at the ship's gently pulsing drive core, then turned to regard the rest of Main Engineering. "And the ship is all yours now?"

"Yep," said Shepard. "The exact ownership status of this new _Normandy_ was in a bit of a black hole for a little while. But since she was built by an organization currently listed as an enemy, the Council finally declared her a war prize and gifted her to me." He patted a nearby bulkhead fondly.

Hannah sighed. "It would have been nice to have her back, so to speak. She doesn't look right without the Alliance blue on her."

Shepard winced. This was the main thing he was expecting to get blasted over. "Mom, I know I should have discussed my resignation with you. But it's the best thing for-"

She cut him off with a wave of her hand. "I know. Given the circumstances, I can see why you made your decision." Then she glared at him. "But yes, you should have talked it over with me first."

Tali cleared her throat. "Um, it's just about time for the evening meal. Have you eaten yet?"

"I know a couple of great restaurants in the Citadel," said Shepard. "I just need to, er, spruce up a bit."

Hannah reached over and stroked his stubbled cheek. "Yes, you should. But I'd rather stay on board. I always like to get a feel for a ship's mood by having a meal in the mess."

"Excellent," said Tali. "Sergeant Gardner will be happy to pull out all the stops."

Shepard nodded. "I'm sure." There was something he was forgetting, though. A warning he should issue to the _Normandy's_ chef, but somehow it danced right out of his mind as he tried to remember it. He mentally shrugged as they all left Engineering. It probably wasn't that important.

* * *

Dinner was going very well...at least, it was going well so far. The crew had stopped by in turn to pay their respects to the Captain. For her part, Hannah had been gracious and warm with all of them. Tali was beginning to see where Shepard had picked up his people skills along with his height. The quarian sucked in a little more paste from her tube and chewed thoughtfully. Gardner had managed to scare up a couple of unique packaged quarian rations that he claimed to be saving 'for a special occasion." It was a nice change of pace.

Shepard filled in his mother on the current status of the original ground team. The ship felt somehow empty to Tali with so many of them gone. She missed them, but fortunately a couple of them would be returning.

"So Kelly Chambers and this asari are a couple?" asked Hannah. "But I thought you said that Samara was a Justicar. They can't be in relationships."

"She's an ex-Justicar now," said Tali.

Hannah's forehead wrinkled in puzzlement. "How the everlasting stink do you become an _ex_ -Justicar?"

"It's a long story," replied Shepard. "The short version is that Samara died and Jack brought her back to life. And Jack was also Samara's protege during the Collector mission. So it's safe to say that they're very close. Marcus and Jack went to visit his mother before they head to Grissom Academy, and she and Kelly wanted to go too."

"It will be nice to have the two of them back, at least," said Tali. "I'm going to miss Marcus."

"Of course you will," said Shepard with a smile. "He was an engineer, after all. I take it you won't be missing Jack all that much, though."

Tali tilted her head. "As odd as it sounds, I'll miss her too. She kept me on my toes."

Suddenly an odor wafted through her suit's filters, a smell that seemed to spear directly into her brain. Tali coughed a bit. "Oh, no. You forgot to tell him not to make it..."

Hannah looked up with suddenly-watering eyes as Sergeant Gardner plonked a high-walled tray onto the table. It was filled with a profusion of rice and meat, and had little green and red specks scattered throughout.

Gardner beamed. "Don't worry, Commander. I toned it down on the spice mix this time."

Hannah leaned forward. "Is this jambalaya?"

The cook nodded proudly. "My grandma's recipe."

The Captain looked interested. "It does smell wonderful."

Shepard looked at it warily. "Yeah, it does. Um, I might try just a bit."

Tali knew where this was going. Fortunately she had the perfect excuse to not partake. The last time Gardner had unleashed his jambalaya on an unsuspecting crew, he'd gone full-strength on the spices. And after that, the _Normandy's_ toilets had gotten quite the workout about ten hours later.

"I'll go get some milk, just in case," said Gardner. He strolled off while those around the table regarded the challenge laid before them.

Joker finally was the first to dig in. "All right, you pansies. Watch a cripple have more bravery than the lot of ya." He piled a goodly portion onto his plate and then took up a spoonful of it.

They all watched him bated breath as he put it in his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. He finally nodded. "A bit zingy, but man it's good."

Joker's declaration was enough to break everyone's reluctance, and all those at the table reached forward and got their own substantial portions of Gardner's latest creation.

Tali knew Joker's sense of humor very well, and so she watched the pilot with narrowed silver eyes as he continued to tuck into his dinner with every sign of satisfaction. Then he met her gaze and winked as a single drop of sweat rolled down one of his temples.

And right about then the others started to cough and mutter.

"You call this zingy?" gasped Shepard. His eyes were filled with tears.

Joker shrugged. "Yeah, sorry Commander. I guess the heat builds up after a while."

Hanna Shepard continued to sedately dine on her own portion. She gave her son a smug smile. "You're out of shape, son. This is wonderful. It really takes me back."

Sergeant Gardner came back with the milk. He gave a raised eyebrow at everyone's distress. "Cripes. Maybe I'll tone back on it a little bit more."

"Please don't!" exclaimed Hanna. "This is delicious. I was stationed in New Orleans for a year. And I can safely say that this?" She pointed with a fork at the dish in the table's center, "This could rival anything I ate while I was there."

Gardner straightened up and gave a huge smile at Hanna's declaration. Tali knew that the sergeant would now happily follow Captain Shepard through rivers of fire and blood. "My grandma would be proud to hear that!" he replied.

Joker finally gave into the pain and grabbed at the nearest glass of milk. "Why? Why can't I stop eating?" he mused aloud as he blinked away his capsaicin-induced tears.

"Because you are addicted to things that annoy you, Jeff," replied EDI's voice from above them. "I am the prime example of such. Logging out."

Hanna's face got a very thoughtful look that Tali didn't like. She figured she should try to distract Shepard's mother from any further rumination on EDI's true nature. "So!" said the quarian brightly. "You were stationed on Earth? I didn't know that. This little _bosh'tet_ never tells me anything." She motioned with her hood towards Shepard, who was glugging on his own glass of milk.

Hanna gave a silvery laugh that reminded Tali of her 'Auntie' Raan. "He does like to play it mysterious, doesn't he? Oh yes, I was on Earth for a while. Mike and I didn't know what to do with ourselves. There was so much space! John wouldn't go out outdoors for at least a week after we landed."

Tali looked back at Shepard with a wicked gleam in her eye. "Oh ho, so this was _after_ my John was born? Did he do anything embarrassing or scandalous while he was there?"

Hannah gave a little and completely evil smile. "Weeeelll...there was the infamous Mardi Gras incident, when he was seven years old..."

"C'mon, mom, I have to _lead_ these people!" moaned Shepard. "You can't tell them about..."

His mother rolled right over his protestations like a dreadnaught under a full-power burn. "Now, for those of you who don't know, one of the big human religions is Christianity. And they have a period of fasting and penance called Lent. For forty days, you're supposed to give up worldly pleasures and such. This period of privation starts on what's called Ash Wednesday. Well, some places like Rio de Janeiro and New Orleans decided that it would be great to have a nice moment of debauchery and fun prior to Lent. It leads up to a festival called Shrove Tuesday or Mardi Gras or Carnival, but the idea is still the same. New Orleans has lots of parades where various krewes have big floats go down the streets. The people on the floats throw beads to the onlookers."

"Beads?" asked Tali

By now Sergeant Gardner had re-joined them. He nodded happily. "Yep! Three different colors of bead necklaces. Let's see, traditionally there's green, gold and purple which stand for...faith, power and justice, if I remember right? Anyway, now there are custom beads or other things that get thrown out. Some of 'em are real collector's items."

Tali looked back at Hannah. "So how does our illustrious Commander fit into this little bead-redistribution scheme?"

Hanna responded with an evil grin. "As I said, our little John Shepard was too scared to go out-of-doors the first week or two on Earth proper. But then once he realized that he wasn't going to fall up into the sky..."

"In my defense, mom, it _was_ the first time I'd ever been on a planet," said Shepard in a resigned tone.

Tali patted his hand. "I know how you feel, love. I remember freaking out the first time I ever set foot outdoors."

Hanna held up a finger. "Anyway! You all know my John and how 'hands on' he has to be, especially when dealing with new people. He's been like that all his life. And so once he got over his fears, Mike and I had a real dickens of a time in keeping him from roaring off to explore his surroundings. And the people in New Orleans tend to be on the friendly side anyway, so of course John made lots of new friends. And a couple of those new friends invited him to go with them to the main Mardi Gras parade...un-beknowst to myself or his father, of course."

Shepard massaged his temples as if staving off a huge oncoming headache. "Beatrice and Leslie."

Hanna nodded gracefully. "Beatrice and Leslie, both about twenty years John's senior."

"Ooohh, starting early were you?" asked Tali.

All Shepard could do was shrug and protest weakly. "They were just friends. I was _seven_ , fer Chrissake. They just thought I was cute, what with how I found everything planet-side new and awesome."

Hanna made a gesturing motion at her chest, as if she was carting around a pair of very large melons. "Oh yes, they were friends, and they both also happened to be what we humans refer to as 'stacked'."

Tali felt a little despair at being able ever fully understand the human propensity for slathering innuendo over everything. "What does that mean?"

Pat Simons arched an eyebrow. "Big 'ol gazongas," explained the _Normandy's_ co-pilot. "Large mammary glands," she added, and Tali finally nodded in comprehension.

Gardner laughed. "So this pair was a big success on the bead-gathering front, then?"

Tali looked over at him in puzzlement. "How would having prominent mammary glands help?"

The sergeant made a gesture as if he was lifting up his shirt to expose his chest. "One sure-fire way to get beads thrown at you is to expose your...er, assets...to the krewes as they go by."

"Ah!" Tali gave John a silvery wink. "So that's a common human obsession? I thought that Shepard's attention to that portion of my anatomy was merely due to curiosity."

Joker choked on his milk as Hanna laughed. "Oh Tali, you and I are going to get along like a house on fire," said the Captain. "So then, Mardi Gras rolls around and we suddenly realize that we're short one son. What follows is a huge manhunt led by the finest Alliance intelligence officers..."

"It was one half-drunk security guard," said Shepard.

"Shut yer mouth, this is _my_ story. We wind up locating our wayward child, who is on the street right next to the parade and flanked by Beatrice and Leslie, two stunning examples of the human female form. Each of them is clad in short-shorts and a tee shirt, and yes that includes my seven-year-old son. And all three of 'em are positively festooned with beads around their necks..."

"Mom..." whispered Shepard as he kept massaging his temples.

"...because all three of 'em are in sync like a goddamn dancing troupe. The two girls on each side yank up their shirts to expose their ti...er, 'mammary glands' to loud and profuse acclaim..."

Shepard rested his forehead in his hands as she continued.

"...and my little Johnny Shepard has the biggest, happiest smile on his face that you've ever _seen_ as he also hikes up his shirt in time with Beatrice and Leslie on each side. Which exposes his perfectly normal but much less impressive nipples to the krewes, but he's getting tons of beads thrown at him as well. And he thinks that it's all because of him and not because his two escorts have tits for days."

Shepard looked around sourly as the table erupted in laughter. "Just so's you assholes know, I _still_ have some of those beads," he said.


	2. How To Make A Cup Of Tea

Jack stared out the window of the train. It was already freaky to be on a planet again after most of a lifetime spent in space. But this wasn't just any planet. This was _Earth_. It was her birthplace in a way, and she could tell. The sky was exactly the right blue, and the trees and plants that whipped by the window were a shade of green that seemed to speak directly to her DNA.

The countryside beyond consisted of rolling hills criss-crossed with little hedgerows. Stone houses peeked out now and again as the train sped along.

She leaned back from the window. The train car was mostly empty. There were a few other riders near the door, but today it didn't look like many people were making the trip from London to Glasgow. The interior of the train was filled with the gentle and rhythmic clacking of the rails.

The sound would ordinarily make Jack drowsy, but not now. Now she was far too nervous to sleep. In less than three hours, she'd be face-to-face with _her_. And how _she_ would react to Jack was something that the slender biotic dreaded.

She glanced next to her. Seated there was a big man with a battered face and short red hair. Marcus was napping, of course. His green eyes were closed and there was a little bit of drool coming from one corner of his mouth. Jack shook her head. He could be infuriatingly calm sometimes. How could he sleep? He was probably going to be getting a huge load of grief from his mother, not to mention he'd be introducing Jack to her.

"You worry too much, Jack," said Kelly. The perky little redhead was seated across from Marcus. Jack thought back to the first time she'd met Kelly, and how she'd wanted to strangle the counselor. Or just squish her into a little ball of goo with a biotic field. But not only had she not killed Kelly, they were now sometimes-lovers.

Next to Kelly sat a statuesque blue-skinned alien. It was strange to see Samara out of her customary red armor, but the ex-justicar had wanted to 'go incognito', as she'd put it, and she now wore an outfit of blue jeans and a white blouse. Jack thought that staying under the radar wasn't going to work; Samara was the type to stand out in a crowd no matter what she wore. The asari's pale blue eyes stared with interest at the countryside rolling by.

"I'm not worried," said Jack in reply to Kelly. "Not really." That was a lie. Jack was heading into a situation that she couldn't just punch or squish or shoot her way out of and she had no idea how to handle it.

Kelly gave her a little smile. It was not a mocking smile, but Jack still felt herself bristling.

"You will be fine, dear," said Samara absently.

"You keep saying that, Blue." Jack shrugged helplessly. "And I know that Assface keeps saying his mom will like me. But she's...normal. Like you guys."

Samara turned away from the window and arched one perfect eyebrow. "Like me? I don't believe that Brenda has met many asari."

"Yeah, but you're a normal asari."

Samara gave a rare laugh. "Oh, yes. Ex-Justicars are very common around here, I'm sure"

"No, I mean you at least look normal. I'm..." Jack gestured down at her tattoed body. She was wearing leather pants and a jacket, but even then the welter of ink on her arms and head was obvious. "I'm human, but I'm not a normal human."

A big callused hand settled on her head and stroked her shaved scalp. The touch calmed her, as it had so many times in the past. "Now, lassie, I know me mum. She'll be overjoyed to meet ye."

Jack's worry subsided but didn't entirely go away.

* * *

Glasgow Central Station was a vast, echoing space spanned with wrought-iron girders that were more ornate than they needed to be. Marcus looked around with evident delight. "I didnae think I'd see this place again." The closer they'd gotten to Glasgow, the more his usual slight accent had slipped into a thicker brogue.

They grabbed their bags and trouped outside. It seemed strange to Jack to not be armed. During the Collector mission, it seemed like every time they'd gone dirt-side she'd had a shotgun riding on her hip. But now she was just down to her fists. Well, that and her biotics. Between her ability and Samara's even more formidable talent Jack figured that they were safe enough if anyone tried anything.

She told herself to stop being ridiculous. Nobody was going to 'try' anything. This wasn't a wilderness outpost like Omega or even Nos Astra. This was a civilized city on a civilized planet.

The street outside was all foot traffic, with some black-painted aircars idling near the curb. The canopy of the nearest one rose, and Jack was surprised to see that the taxi had a human driver instead of being automated.

The driver was a cheerful-looking human with a lined face and a ruddy nose. "Where to, lad?" He took in the rest of the motley crew behind Marcus and raised an eyebrow, but otherwise didn't react.

Marcus gave him an address in someplace called Drumchapel. The flight out was pretty uneventful, although the driver seemed to think that he was some kind of tour guide. He pointed out the river Clyde, something called the 'Squinty Bridge', and a big shell-like structure that was some kind of concert hall. Jack let it flow in one ear and out the other as she began to freak out again.

This was not some melting-pot world out in the Terminus or a frontier colony in human space. Even in those kinds of places Jack stood out. But now she was right in the heart of human civilization, surrounded by normal people. She felt like some kind of barbarian. Marcus' mother was going to flip her shit when she finally laid eyes on her...

Again there was a big warm hand on her head, gently rubbing. Jack growled in both relief and irritation. Assface was getting way too good at reading her moods.

The taxi dropped them off on a street that was lined with brick-walled and ancient-looking duplexes. Jack saw several scrawny trees dotted here and there along the street.

She squinted up into the overcast sky. It was appropriate to her mood at the moment. As they walked up to the door of the nearest duplex, she thought about calling it all off for a while. Maybe they could go to a bar - no, they called them pubs here - and she could get a bunch of liquid courage in her before continuing. She opened her mouth just as Marcus raised his hand to knock.

Before he could, the door swung open and a small gray-haired blur jumped out at him. Jack and the others started back in surprise as a fireplug of a woman wrapped her arms around the engineer's neck. The woman's legs dangled off of the ground.

Neither she nor Marcus said anything for a long moment while they hugged. Finally, he said "Good tae see ya, mum."

"You made it back," replied the woman. She let go of his neck and dropped to the ground, then sniffed and rubbed her eyes. "You're lookin' well."

Marcus smiled and patted her shoulder. "Everyone, this is my mother, Brenda Donnelly."

Jack braced herself as the woman's eyes swung over and regarded her. There wasn't the slightest flicker or widening in Brenda's eyes as she smiled. "You must be Jack."

"Yeah, hi," said the biotic, in a quieter voice than she normally used. Jack extended her hand for a shake, only to find her hand grabbed and herself pulled forward. The biotic almost did a hip throw on the old woman before realizing it was just a prelude for a hug of her own.

"It's so good tae meet ye at last, dear." Brenda let go of Jack and regarded the other two. "And you must be Kelly and Samara." She wound up giving them hugs too.

* * *

Kelly looked around the kitchen in a slight haze of _deja vu_. She'd 'seen' this place once before, when she and Marcus had been held prisoner by the Collectors. The aliens had been 'preparing' them for eventual amalgamation into a Reaper, a process which involved a sharing of memories. Marcus had created a little 'safe space' for her and the other kidnapped _Normandy_ crew, a space that consisted of this kitchen plus an avatar of Brenda.

The yeoman's sense of history repeating got stronger as Brenda set a teapot in the center of the table. As in Marcus' memory, the surface of the table was spotless but stained.

"Kettle should be boiling shortly," said Brenda brightly. She bustled over next to Jack. The lack of a Brenda-flip-out at Jack's appearance seemed to have calmed the biotic. "I can't tell you how happy I am tae see you all. I couldn't believe it when me Marcus asked if you could all stay here."

"You're sure it's no trouble?" asked Samara. "We would be perfectly happy to stay at an inn."

Brenda made a scoffing noise. "I've got a whole spare bedroom, plus Marcus' old room. It's nae trouble at all."

Samara smiled. "We thank you for the hospitality."

Brenda set a platter of scones on the table as well. "Now, I was thinking later of showing you all around, but I must warn ye."

"Warn us?" Jack looked a little skittish at that. Kelly couldn't blame her; the biotic had spent much of her life with a sizable set of bounties on her head.

The older woman looked a little sheepish. "My wee lad doesn't like to boast, but word has even reached here of what happened with Shepard. You're all rather famous."

"Ah." Jack now looked ready to bolt. "Um, all of us?"

Brenda patted her hand. "Aye, dear. Now don't you fret, I've already talked to Constable Lennox and there will be nae foolishness wi' gettin' bothered fer autographs and such. You'll be free tae go about as ye please."

Samara tilted her head. "I thank you. I speak for all of us when I say we want this to be a quiet and pleasant visit."

"Of course," replied Brenda. "Now, who takes milk?"

* * *

Jack was right behind Marcus as the group stepped into the pub. It was some place called 'The Singlet', and the interior was lined with dark wood paneling. There was an endless moment of quiet as everyone turned to regard them. It was clear that this was a local place, and they were most certainly not local.

Then Brenda stepped around Jack and walked in. "What're ye all starin' at? My wee boy's back, is all."

That seemed to break the spell. It wasn't quite a stampede, but there was a gentle wave of people coming over to shake all of their hands. Marcus got a few slaps on the back; one of the slappers looked like he was also going to give Jack a slap on the back but then reconsidered when she fixed him with a raised eyebrow. The would-be-slapper settled for a hesitant smile and a wave.

It seemed like before Jack could blink she was seated at a table with a pint in front of her. She shrugged and took a sip. It wasn't bad. Usually she preferred stronger stuff than beer, but this would do for now.

Kelly grinned at her from across the table and hoisted her own pint. "I don't like to say I told you so, but...I did tell you so. Nothing to worry about."

"Fine, Oh Perky One," said Jack. "Just wait. This is all going too well. Something's going to go bad on us."

Samara had been corralled by a bunch of the younger men who were chatting with her and trying very hard to not look like they were just there to get an eyeful of the statuesque asari. Jack motioned with her chin. "Looks like your honey's getting quite the following."

Kelly looked over her shoulder at the gaggle and shrugged. "Eh, she can handle it."

Jack suddenly remembered something else that wanted to ask about. "Hey, how is Blue's pregnancy coming along?"

The yeomen smiled. "All is well so far. The asari gestation period is about fifteen months. It'll be at least another three months before she starts to show. And we had genetic tests done, there's no Ardat-Yakshi genes cropping up."

Jack took another swig from her pint. "And what are you guys gonna do when the kid is born? Are you going to stay on with Shepard? I mean, the _Normandy_ is a good ship but it ain't a nursery."

Kelly raised one hand, palm up. "We don't know yet. Right now we're going to play it by ear."

A burst of laughter made them both look over. Marcus was chatting animatedly with a pair of smaller men who were about his age; they were apparently old chums of his.

"And how about you two?" asked Kelly. "Are you gonna have kids?"

Jack was taking another swig, and the question made her nearly spit beer all over Kelly. "Are you fuc...fooling with me?"

The yeoman grinned wider. "Why not? You're going to be in one place for a good long time. There are worse places to grow up than in Grissom."

Jack spluttered. "You can't be serious." She peered closer at Kelly. "You _are_ serious. What makes you think I'd be anything like a good mother?"

Kelly gave Jack an arched eybrow. "What makes you think you wouldn't be?"

Jack made a pushing motion with her hand. "We are not having this conversation. You know my past, dam...darn it. The last thing I need to do is put my crazy into some poor kid."

Kelly leaned closer. "What's with the revised language?"

Jack felt a little burn of embarrassment in her stomach. "I'm getting used to censoring myself. That Sanders chick asked me to tone down my, whaddyacall, vocabulary around my students. So I'm just trying to get in the habit. Not to mention that I don't want to make Brenda think I'm some kind of barbarian."

"See? You're not as crazy as you think. And you'll have plenty of opportunity to interact with young people, so you'll figure out pretty quick if you want to raise a child of your own."

"Enough with the mother thing, all right? Ain't happening."

Kelly laughed. "I'm not saying to go and get knocked up tomorrow, babe. Just...think about it. Give it time."

* * *

In spite of Jack's trepidation, the rest of their night out was a resounding success. About the only thing that would have made it better in Jack's eyes was a nice sweaty bit of fucking at the end of it. But they _were_ all exhausted from their trip, plus the walls in Brenda's house were probably paper-thin.

She woke in the middle of the night with Marcus spooned against her back. They were in his old room, which Brenda had kept more-or-less as when he'd left Earth. His bed was small, but Jack hardly noticed that. She was used to the tiny cubicle-cabins on the _Normandy_. Jack carefully extricated herself from under his beefy arm and stood, stretching a little as she looked around. There were model ships hanging from the ceiling as well as a few Alliance posters that promised the chance to go and see new worlds. The only modern part of the room was a collage that Brenda had set up with many news printouts about the exploits of the _Normandy_ during the Collector mission.

Brenda had made sure to highlight wherever Marcus was mentioned by name. Jack noted with a little surprise that her own 'obfuscated' name, Jacqueline Naught, had also been mentioned once and also duly highlighted.

Jack looked back at Marcus' sleeping bulk and smiled. Before this trip was over she was going to pin him down and take him right on his childhood bed. She was pretty sure he'd be game for that.

Then she thought she heard the faintest creak from outside of the room, from the direction of the kitchen. Jack went on alert and silently cracked open the door. She listened for so long that she was beginning to think that she'd imagined it, but then there was another creak from the direction of the kitchen.

It might be nothing, or it might be that somebody was robbing the place. Jack had on a long tee shirt that hung down low enough to cover up the important bits, so she figured that she was as dressed as she needed to be. The door creaked ever so slightly as Jack opened it wider and slipped out. If somebody was breaking into the house, then they were about to get the double surprise of a scantily-clad woman wielding a biotic bitch-slap that could take down a krogan.

She silently stalked down the hall towards the kitchen. There was a light on in the kitchen proper, so it probably wasn't burglars. But she did want to make sure, and so Jack peeked one eye around the corner.

Brenda sat at the kitchen table with her back to Jack. On the table was a bottle filled with brown liquor, and Brenda had a glass with a little bit of it in front of her. She was holding a picture which showed a family portrait of two adults and a kid between them. The two adults were clearly Brenda and her husband, and the kid had a very familiar set of green eyes and unruly red hair. The guy in the picture had the same coloration as Marcus and also sported an oft-broken nose that looked similar to the engineer's. Brenda rubbed a thumb gently over the man's face and gave the slightest sniffle.

Jack ducked back around the corner. Okay, this was not something she needed to be peeping on. She turned to head back and was frozen by Brenda's soft voice.

"You can come in, dear."

Shit, the woman must have radar ears. Jack squared her shoulders and walked around the corner into the kitchen. "Sorry," she murmured. "I just heard a noise and wanted to make sure everything was okay. I'm kinda paranoid sometimes..."

Brenda shushed her with one waving hand, and gestured to a chair next to her. "Grab a glass and join me. The glasses are in the cabinet over there."

Jack figured that it would be rude to let booze go un-drunk, so she followed Brenda's orders. Once seated, the woman poured Jack a shot of scotch. The biotic took it and clinked glasses with Brenda. She figured this was probably sipping whisky rather than rotgut and so she took a careful swig. Yep, it was good stuff.

Brenda smiled at her. "I have to say, your picture doesn't do you justice."

At first Jack thought the woman was making fun of her. But there wasn't the slightest hint of mocking in Brenda's eyes. As Jack looked at her, Brenda's words finally percolated into her brain.

"Wait, what do you mean my picture?" She'd been adamant with Marcus that he send his mother no images of her. After much deliberation, Jack figured that it was better to just show up in person rather than to deal with Brenda's inevitable freak-out over a long distance.

Brenda touched a corner of the picture frame in her hands and handed it to Jack. She took it and stared down with a mixture of anger and surprise. Assface must have taken it while she slept; the picture frame now showed Jack curled up in a foetal position on their bed in the _Normandy_. In spite of the long shirt she wore, one could clearly see the multitude of tattoos that covered her. But her sleeping face was calm and peaceful.

"I didn't think he'd sent you anything," Jack said aloud.

"Dinnae blame him. I pestered him for a long time and he finally sent me that. And when I saw your face..." Brenda trailed off.

Jack looked up in fear, but Brenda's face was smiling.

"Well, ye see it there. Ye looked like a wee angel," said Brenda. "I was so happy I was fit tae burst."

Jack gave the older woman a raised eyebrow while she gave a little laugh. "Really? I mean, I'm not...normal."

Brenda took the frame back from Jack. "None of us are normal, dear." She touched the frame again and turned it so that Jack could see the image of the family trio once more. "This is Connor, Marcus' da. Worked as a bouncer for one of the dance clubs in Glasgow. Probably was fightin' afore he could walk."

Jack gave another, more relieved laugh. "It runs in the family, I guess. How did you two meet?"

"I was a safety engineer at one of the local aerospace companies. One night I decided to do a bit of clubbing, got hit on by an unruly drunk who wouldn't take 'nae fookin' way' for an answer, an' he got a bit too aggressive. So old Conner had to step in tae teach him how to properly talk to ladies." She shrugged. "The drunk had three friends, but my Connor still got 'em sorted. Got his nose busted once again fer his troubles. I decided to take him out tae dinner as a 'thank you' and, well, he turned out to be a real charmer in spite of bein' such a big lunk."

Jack smiled. "He sounds just like As...Marcus."

Brenda took a sip of her scotch and winked. "I know what pet name ye call 'im, dear. Don't mind at all. It'll keep him humble."

Jack leaned back. The unruly knot of tension in her stomach that she'd been carrying for many, many parsecs finally unraveled and vanished. "Thanks. Both for the drink and for not freaking out about me."

"Now why would I do that? I've seen how he looks at ye. And I've seen how ye look at him. I'm verra happy for the both of ye."

Jack looked around the neat but elderly kitchen. "Is this where Assface grew up?"

Brenda nodded, and her face became somber. "Aye." She sighed. "Too bad I won't be able tae keep the hoose."

"Wait, what? Do you need money?" Jack's long-dormant criminal instincts kicked back in. Let's see, if she found a medium-sized bank with standard security then she could probably have five hundred thousand in Brenda's hands by the morning...

The old woman shook her head. "Nae, the hoose is paid off. I've just been gettin' lots of pressure tae...never mind, ye don't want to hear it."

Jack reached forward and gently gripped Brenda's hand. "No, tell me." Her face was somber, but inside she was cackling with joy. This vacation was now looking to become a whole lot more _fun_.


	3. How To Pity A Fool

Donnelly woke and found Jack snuggled by his side. The biotic was facing him and smiling as if at some private joke while she slept. He matched her smile and kissed her forehead. As her dark, almond-shaped eyes blinked open he moved down to kiss her on the lips.

He only got in a brief peck before a blue glow appeared between them and shoved him back. "Oh, no you don't," she said. "I _was_ gonna be all lovey-dovey, but that was before a certain Assface went and sent a picture of me to his mother."

He winced. "Ah. So mum showed ye?"

Jack smiled, showing most of her teeth. "Why yes she did, my weird-talking boyfriend who apparently can't follow simple fucking instructions."

"I..."

She leaned forward and bit the tip of his nose and gave a playful growl. Her little dominance display over, Jack let go of his nose and leaned back. "She liked the pic. That's the only reason I'm not spanking you 'til your butt is glowing. Now let's get some breakfast."

Something was up between his mum and Jack. Donnelly figured out as much while he moved about the kitchen and helped his mother set out a proper morning meal for everyone. His mum had apparently gotten an entire pig's worth of pork products in preparation for their visit. Fortunately they were all non-vegetarians.

During the whole process, Jack showed an eerie calm that matched that of his mum. It was as if they'd come to some private agreement last night. It couldn't just be due to Jack's relief at Brenda's acceptance. There was some other level to this he couldn't quite figure out.

"So did ye sleep well?" asked Brenda as she set a plate piled with sausage, eggs, and black pudding in front of Samara.

The asari smiled. "Very well, thank you. The bed was quite comfortable." As Brenda turned away, Samara gave Kelly a lewd waggle of her eyebrows. Kelly actually blushed, which was something Donnelly thought impossible for the 'well-experienced' counselor. He had borne the brunt of Samara's affection a couple of times, so the engineer wondered what it would be like for somebody to have that kind of sexual appetite focused on them almost exclusively.

Of course, Jack was pretty insatiable in her own right, both in bed and at the breakfast table. The slender biotic managed to demolish two entire well-laden plates and also finished the portion that Kelly didn't finish.

His mum gave a happy smile upon seeing his sweetie's appetite. For his part, Marcus wondered what exactly Jack was getting ready for. She clearly expected to be using her biotics sometime soon, or she wouldn't be fueling up so much.

"Um, is there something I should know about?" he whispered to her when his mum's back was turned. She just gave him a small smug smile and patted his cheek as if to say 'let the adults handle things'. He gave a mental shrug and decided to just enjoy his vacation.

"So, I have a few suggestions for things to see," said Brenda. She gave a little laugh. "Glasgow is not exactly a tourist destination, but I figure there's a few points of interest. And we can always hire an aircar to pop over to Edinburgh if you want tae see some more posh stuff."

Samara nodded. "We would be honored. To be honest, as long as we are not getting shot at whatever we do will be a pleasant experience."

* * *

As the five of them left Brenda's house, Marcus saw trouble. Said trouble was in the form of seven 'youths' lounging around at the far end of the street, all clad in dark clothing. They were leaning 'casually' against a brick wall but were focused like lasers on the departing group. The engineer pegged them for members of a local 'firm' of football hooligans. After all, he'd been one of them once upon a time.

"Seven guys, off to the right," he muttered.

"I see them," said Samara with the same utter calm she displayed before heading into battle. The four of them moved to place Brenda right in their center.

His mum looked around at them as if she was a sheep who suddenly found herself protected by a pack of growling rottwieilers. "Now, let's not get too violent..." began Brenda.

Jack gave his mother a sunny smile. "Hey, it'll be just fine! I'll go chat with 'em. You should come too, Assface. Just in case the local lingo gets me stumped."

Brenda still looked uncertain. "Really, it's not a..." Jack looked back at her with that same warm smile as she raised an eyebrow. His mum gave her a look and finally nodded.

As he and Jack strolled off, he heard behind them Brenda voice one final concern.

"Is she gonna be all right? I mean, she's such a wee thing..."

Kelly gave a snorting laugh. "Oh, yeah. She'll be fine, don't worry."

Marcus watched Jack out of the corner of his eye as they walked along. His partner was almost giddy, as she usually was when heading into dangerous situations. Jack was practically bouncing along as they approached the group. Five of the seven goons remained casually slouching against the wall while the two oldest pushed themselves upright and stood facing them.

"Mornin'," drawled one of the standing goons. "Yer new in town, so let me give ye a word of-"

A blue glow surrounded his head as well as that of the goon standing next to him. They slammed together under the immense force of Jack's biotic push, and the sound of their skulls bonking off of each other had a definite coconut-like timbre. They slumped to the ground in a tangled heap as the other five began to push off of the wall.

The five goons froze in place as Jack stepped in front of them with a beatific smile. She wagged a finger warningly at them while her other hand was encased in a glowing blue field.

Marcus carefully stepped forward over the unconscious pair on the ground and fixed the nearest goon with a gimlet eye. "You North Glasgow Express?"

The kid didn't respond right away, so Jack spoke up. "Answer him, or I will pull out your heart. Through your ass."

"Yes! Yes I am!" squeaked the goon.

Marcus nodded sagely. "Good. Now, me name's Marcus. Marcus Donnelly. I used tae be in yer firm awhile back. Maybe you've heard that name, aye?"

The goon nearly shook his own head off with the force of his responding fearful nod.

"Good. Then ye know that I'd have nae problem givin' the lot of ye a good solid kick in the bawbags. And I'm the _sane_ one." He pointed a thumb at Jack. "This wee lassie? She's well off her trolley."

Jack's smile got even bigger and even more sunny. The five goons shrank back against the wall as Marcus continued.

"Now. What are ye here for?"

"Harassment," said Jack. "Breaking a few windows, pushing around an old woman, pulling up plants in her garden, stuff like that."

Marcus had gone through a lot, both in his time in the Alliance as well as a member of Shepard's crew. He'd taken up meditation as a way to deal with some of the more horrific things he'd been exposed to. He'd shown quite an aptitude for such mental calming, and so it had been a while since he'd gotten well and truly angry. He was unprepared for the sheet of white-hot anger that flared through him.

The goon he'd been interrogating suddenly found his feet dangling while the furious engineer gripped his neck and yanked him up to eye level using one burly arm.

"Ye were threatening me mum?" he whispered into the frightened youth's face.

"And a few others around here," added Jack. "Anyone in the neighborhood who wouldn't sell their house."

The goon he was currently holding began to turn a lovely shade of purple as Marcus growled and sqeezed his big mitt of a hand tighter on the bastard's neck.

"So!" said Jack brightly. "Who wants to be the smart guy and tell us who sent you?"

* * *

By the time that the pair returned, the goons had gathered up their still-out-cold comrades and were breaking all records in making themselves scarce.

Kelly smiled at Brenda's somewhat stunned expression. "You see? Jack can handle herself."

Marcus' own face was troubled as they reached them. "Mum, why didn't ye tell me what was goin' on?"

Brenda shrugged sadly. "Ye were only gonna be here a short time. I wanted it to be a happy vacation for ye."

Samara laid a gentle hand on Brenda's shoulder. "We are not just simple vacationers, you know."

The old woman sagged. "I know, but ye've all done so much. It wasnae fair to just ask ye tae deal with my silly little shite."

The four crewmen of the _Normandy_ looked at each other for a beat and then as one they all began to laugh.

Brenda looked around at them all in confusion. "What am I missing?"

Marcus swept his mother up into a fierce hug. "Mum, after all of the nonsense we've gone through dealin' with this is nae bother at all."

"It'll be fun!" said Jack. She still wore a cheery smile.

Kelly rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure. Fun. Okay, so who were those guys?"

Marcus set Brenda back down. "Members of me old firm."

"Firm?" asked Samara.

The engineer gave her an embarrassed look. "A group of troublemakers. Technically they're supporters of a particular football team, but really it's just an excuse tae fight. I used tae have a...checkered past."

Samara smiled. "It's all right, dear Marcus. I've never told you about some of the things I got up to during my maiden years. I'm assuming they were sent by somebody?"

Donnelly nodded. "An old mate of mine from me days in the firm. Angus Clark. He's moved up in the world, apparently now he's become a full-fledged gangster."

"Why is he bothering Brenda?" asked Kelly. She felt a surge of anger towards this 'Angus' character. Anyone who would threaten an old woman was perfectly deserving of whatever wrath the four of them could dish out.

"It's a real estate scam of some sort," replied Jack. "Somebody's trying to buy up this whole block of houses, and anyone who doesn't want to sell gets harassed. My guess is Angus is just a hired hand for whoever is really behind it."

Brenda sniffed and wiped a tear from her eye. "I'm such a silly arse. I should have sold. I told Constable Lennox, but they always seemed to know when he was aboot. He could never catch 'em dooin' anything."

"We will help," said Samara with finality. "This is your dwelling, and a place of happy memories. Let's go speak to this Angus character. I'm sure we can come to some agreement." Her other hand, the one not on Brenda's shoulder, clenched with an audible crackle of blue-skinned knuckles.

"I'm kinda hopin' he puts up a fight," added Jack. "I haven't squished anybody in, like, forever."

Marcus gave his diminutive partner a sidelong look. "Er, yeah. Lemme ask around. We should be able to find what pub he frequents. Plus I need to find a few items before we go there."

* * *

Kelly Chambers had once been kidnapped by an ancient race of cyborgs and nearly dissolved into gray sludge so that her very essence could be fused into a Reaper's mind. She knew that she should be brave in the face of the relatively minor problem they were dealing with, but the counselor was still a little uncertain about this whole business. Kelly squared her shoulders and strode next to Marcus as the pair walked into the pub that they'd finally nailed down as a haunt of Angus. Fortunately that aforementioned 'nailing down' was purely metaphorical. Those that they'd questioned had quickly given up what they'd known when faced with the prospect of having to deal with Jack and her very unsettling but happy smile.

The proprietor behind the bar was chatting with a black-haired guy that Kelly immediately pegged as trouble. He was way too fit-looking and his suit was a little too shiny. The man was oily in both complexion and in clothing.

As they walked up to the bar, the proprietor broke off his conversation and nodded to them both. "What can I get ye?"

"Two pints of stout, please," said Marcus. "Do ye know if Angus is here?"

The barman shrugged. "Dunno who you mean." He turned away and began filling two pint glasses with dark beer.

"Who's askin'?" said the dark-haired man. He turned to give Marcus a sneering look.

The engineer also turned, but his smile was far more gentle. "Hello, Boyd. Been a while." He gestured to Boyd's suit. "You must be doin' well."

"Well enough. What do you want?"

Marcus leaned an elbow casually on the bar. "Just in the mood to talk to old friends. Aren't ye happy to see me?"

Boyd snorted. "Mister Fancy-Pants comes back to the auld neighborhood and thinks we should be happy to see 'im. What do you say to that, lads?"

The other men in the pub stood and began to move closer. Kelly turned and pressed her back to the bar and gave them all a once-over. There were ten of them, not counting Boyd. Several were wearing similarly 'oily' suits like Boyd, while the others were clad in more plain working-man attire. She glanced behind her and saw that there were two glasses of beer on the bar but no sign of the proprietor.

Boyd gave a completely unfriendly laugh. "Word's gone around. You've been askin' after Angus. You an' your little inked-up tart." He glanced casually over at Kelly. "Where is she?"

"Aboot," replied Marcus. "She's also tryin' to find Angus." He looked casually over the ten men that now stood in a semicircle around them. "Ye all with Angus as well, then?"

"He asked us tae look after ya," said Boyd. "He said tae show ye and yer friends a really good time. What d'ye say to that?"

"So Angus isn't gonna show, eh?" sighed Marcus. "Pity. I'd like to tell him tae go fook himself right to his fat fookin' face."

Boyd smirked. "Ye think ye'd have a chance against him?"

"Yep." Marcus' gaze was flat and now no longer amused. "I recall puttin' him in his place plenty a' times back in the auld days."

"This ain't the auld days anymore, Mister Fancy-Pants. It's two against ten. Yer not walkin' away from this. Ye were a hard man back in the day, Marcus. But it's been quite a few years since then, if'n ye didn't notice."

Marcus gave Boyd a small smile. "So yer set on this, then? I could let ye walk away."

"We're not walkin' away, ye daft cunt. Yer gonna get a right proper beatin'." Boyd gave Kelly a leer. "An' yer cute little sidekick here is gonna get a right proper fondlin'. Probably more. But she'll be really friendly, if'n she knows what's good for 'er."

"If that's what ye have in mind, I guess I might have tae fight back," said Marcus with a casual air. "Ye don't mind, do ye?"

The surrounding men chuckled. One of them was at least a head taller than Marcus and had the solid look of someone who had done hard physical labor their whole life. He had an almost perfectly square head, like his skull was actually formed from cinder blocks. Kelly could see a heavy steel pipe in one of his hands. "I'm looking forward to it," he rumbled. "Especially since your biotic bitch isn't here to protect your arse."

Marcus gave Mr. Square Head a winning smile. "Heh. That reminds me of a riddle. What's the difference between a biotic with anger management issues and one with over nine hundred years of training?"

Mr. Square Head gave Marcus a puzzled squint. "What the fook are you on aboot?"

The engineer spread his hands in a little 'ta da!' gesture. "Let's find oot, shall we?"

The ten men plus Boyd turned to the doorway.

Both Jack and Samara stood there. Both were clad in a blue glow that indicated in no uncertain terms that Shit Was About To Go Down. And both held gleeful smiles on their faces.

Boyd managed to grunt out a single "Fook!" before the pair moved in to engage. Kelly pushed herself up onto the bar, then hopped down and ducked behind it to get some cover. Marcus, on the other hand, kept standing in front while sipping his stout as if watching a sports contest while the two biotics began to brawl.

Kelly was emotionally tied to Samara, and so she gave her sweetie the edge in the ongoing punch-up. The tall asari flowed like smoke around her attackers while dealing out blue-tinged punches and kicks of her own that never failed to connect and never failed to hurt. She was the one to put down Mr. Square Head with a particularly crunchy roundhouse kick to his jaw.

Jack, in contrast, was more like a snarling dog let off of its leash. She used her biotics to freeze anyone who wasn't a direct threat before choosing a particular thug and beating the brakes off of him with a flurry of punches. Jack also seemed fond of groin kicks.

Marcus somehow managed to keep his drink from spilling, even as several men went sailing past him and into the glassware behind the bar. Kelly began to wonder if she'd chosen a good spot for protection, but those that were thrown did not get up again.

Within the space of a minute Boyd was the only one left standing. Well, 'standing' was a relative term. He was kneeling in front of Marcus while a biotic field shimmered around him.

Kelly hopped back over the bar and approached the kneeling man. "Now, let's go over a few things," said the counselor. "You more-or-less threatened to gang rape me."

Samara growled, and the blue field around Boyd shifted. The oily man gave a yell of pain as his biotic confinement squeezed in on him.

Kelly waved at the tall asari. "That's bad news for you, since she's my sweetie-pie and has also been training in how to fight for far longer than you've been alive." She then nodded towards Jack. "And this one? She likes me _almost_ as much as she likes hurting people."

"And I like hurting people a lot," added Jack as she smiled wider.

Boyd finally managed to gasp out a response. "Then fookin' kill me already!"

Kelly sighed. "You see, that's the one bit of good news for you. We're reasonable. All we really want to do is set up a meeting with Angus. We need to discuss certain things he's been getting up to and see if we can convince him to stop."

In spite of his very bad position, Boyd snorted derisively. "You convince him? Four people? Sure, you got biotics but there's ways around that. You have no idea how big this is, or who you're dealing with..."

Boyd suddenly rose into the air and spun as if on a spit. He smacked hard into the floor of the bar in a spread-eagled pose. Samara stepped forward and placed her boot gently on his neck. The asari's voice was like frost-covered steel. "And you have no idea who _you_ are dealing with, you miserable little man. We have faced down _GODS_. Tell Angus to set up a face-to-face meeting. Or we will find him and tear him out of whatever hole he's hiding in..."

 _"AHEM."_

It was a truly epic throat-clearing. The sound cut through the pub like a monomolecular filament through steel. That sound carried multiple messages within it. First, it said that the issuer of that 'ahem' was not a person to be trifled with. Secondly, it told everyone to stop what they were doing Right Bloody Now. Thirdly, it promised that if anyone did _not_ stop what they were doing Right Bloody Now then the issuer of that throat-clearing was going to have no choice but to haul them away and sit them down and subject them to that most dreaded of all things, Paperwork.

The four of them turned their heads ever so slowly towards the doorway to the pub. A ramrod-straight figure occupied that opening, clad in a spotless and crisp dark-blue uniform which was crowned with a properly tall helmet. The newcomer had sideburns, actual _sideburns_ , something that Kelly hadn't seen except in pictures. The blue-clad figure fixed them each in turn with a sharp eye and then looked around at the general carnage of broken furniture and bodies strewn throughout the pub.

He turned back to regard them, then uttered the phrase that has struck fear into the hearts of criminals for centuries.

"What's all _this_ , then?"


	4. How To Win Friends And Influence People

Constable Lennox took off his helmet and set it carefully on his desk in its appointed position. His was a very squared-away desk, with everything on it neat and tidy and exactly where he wanted it. He laced his thick fingers together and looked up at the smiling and _very_ perky redhead seated in front of his desk. The small woman was almost vibrating as if she wanted nothing more than to be the most helpful person ever in the whole wide world.

He sighed. "Roight. So, Miz Chambers, you claim that you and yer friends were simply mindin' yer own business and getting an innocent littl' drink when you were suddenly and _without_ provocation set upon boi _everyone_ else _in_ da pub and forced to defend yerselves. Is that yer official story?"

"There's nothing 'official' about it," replied Kelly. "That's what happened."

"I see." Lennox looked to his right. There was a large window that looked out into the holding area for his station. The group's other redhead, a big beefy bastard with a well-broken nose, sat calmly on one bench while a small tattooed woman dozed with her shaved head in his lap. A tall asari sat cross-legged on the other bench in the holding area. The alien's eyes glowed with a blue-white light while a small sphere of similarly-colored light swirled in front of her outstretched hands. The constable sighed again. He was a great fan of order and stability, and these four were just about as far away from order and stability as could be imagined. He turned back to Kelly.

"Well, Miz Chambers, it appears that yer in luck. None of those in the pub are pressing charges, in spite of what appears to be grievous bodily 'arm inflicted on them boi you an' yer quite formidable friends."

Kelly shrugged apologetically. "What can I say? I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this."

Lennox blew out an exasperated breath. "Hang on." He leaned over and pulled open one of the lower drawers on his desk, then rooted around in it for awhile before producing a small metal box the size of a pack of cards. He set it on the desk and pressed a switch on its side, causing a small red LED on its face to light up. He could feel the air around them become hushed as a sound-damping mass effect field formed around them both.

"That should take care of anybody listening in," he said with satisfaction. "Now. I'm going to speak very plainly, and all I ask is that you listen very carefully."

Kelly nodded, her green eyes boring into his. She leaned forward as if every nerve in her body was fixated on what he was saying.

"I have some notion of what's going on. Brenda Donnelly asked me to help with certain...issues that she's been having. Oi haven't been able to prove anything, but it's not fer lack of trying. Ye'd better believe me on that last part." He fixed the redhead with a fierce gaze. "There are certain elements at play here. Elements that I can't officially do anything about. But...maybe you and yer friends can."

Kelly arched one eyebrow. "You want us to, um, clean things up?"

Lennox nodded. "Angus Clark is a rank little jobby who's been stinkin' up the place fer far too long. However, 'e's got powerful friends in high places, so I can't touch 'im. But yer lot just might be able to."

"Oh, we'll 'touch' him all right," replied Kelly with a grim smile. "Nobody threatens Brenda and gets away with it."

Lennox looked back through the window. The tattooed woman was now clearly asleep, her leather pants splayed wide in a very unladylike pose as a thin line of drool ran from one corner of her mouth. She looked like somebody that he could break in half with a single punch, but the constable was not fooled for one second. The wee woman was quite possibly the most dangerous person that he'd ever laid eyes on...if he didn't count the asari, of course. "I'll trust ye to do so," he said as he turned back to face Kelly. "But just be careful about it. I did a little search on yer friends. D'ye have any idea how much of a bounty is on that one's head?" He pointed a thumb at Jack.

"I have some notion," replied Kelly. "But she's a good friend of mine. Anyone that wants her has to get through all of us. And she can take pretty good care of herself."

Lennox smiled. "I see. Well, you should still be careful. I'm going to look the other way for the moment, but if yer friends raise too big of a stink I'll have to get involved again. Do what you have to, but do it quietly, right?"

Kelly gave a sunny smile. "We'll be very careful to do so, sir."

He chuckled. "Ach, don't call me sir. I work fer a livin'" He reached forward to shut off the device on his desk. "Just keep your nose officially clean. That's all I ask."

* * *

Killian Herbertson gave an annoyed grumble as he looked up from his terminal and saw the pile of paperwork still stacked up in his 'inbox'. Physical paperwork was still a thing in the Glasgow city bureaucracy, no matter how much information technology advanced. In spite of eight hours of reading and signing, that pile had not gotten any smaller. He leaned back and rubbed his temples tiredly. His small cubicle was just one of many in the warehouse-like room he called a workplace. The huge vaulted space was lit by harsh fluorescent lighting far above.

Killian's temple massage was interrupted by a silky-smooth voice.

"Hello there. I hope you are the right person to talk to."

He dropped his hands and stared up in astonishment. Standing in the doorway to his cubicle was a vision of loveliness. True, she had blue skin and no hair. But her soft eyes, her full lips, her perfect body stunned him into momentary silence. She wore black pants and a tight-fitting white shirt that was unbuttoned _just_ enough to hint at the glory of her breasts.

"I, uh..." he managed to stammer out.

"I really hope you can help me," she said in that same silky tone. She smiled, and her teeth were white and even and just as utterly perfect as the rest of her.

Killian managed to clear his throat. "I'm very sorry, ma'am. There isn't an asari embassy in Glasgow anymore. Everything's been moved down to London."

She gave a silvery laugh, and Killian smiled automatically at that wonderful sound. He would have given a month's pay to hear her laugh again. "Oh, no, I don't need diplomatic help," she replied. "You see, this is a simple matter of my opening a restaurant. I wanted to get a sense of what paperwork was involved."

Restaurant regulations were most definitely _not_ in Killian's bailiwick, but he would be damned if he was going to let this stunning creature out of his sight. "I'm sure we can figure it out together, Miss..."

"Sheelya. Sheelya Karo." She stepped forward and extended a hand.

"Killian Herbertson," he replied as he reverently took her hand and shook it. He had a sudden impulse to kiss the back of her hand, as if he was a knightly courtier seeking favors from a noble lady who was far above his station. The bureaucrat just managed to stop himself doing so. She gave off an intoxicating and faintly floral scent that filled his little cubicle.

The asari released his hand. "Do you mind if I sit?" She motioned towards the chair set opposite his desk.

He stared up at her like a lovestruck puppy for a few seconds before he shook himself. "Oh! Oh, yes, please do. Let's see what we can do for you, eh?" He tapped some keys on his terminal as he tried to appear confident and in control. "Now, I'm assuming this restaurant will specialize in asari cuisine?"

Sheelya nodded as she seated herself in a smooth, graceful motion. "Yes. It appears that Glasgow is very deficient in such offerings."

He smiled at her. "Well, we are a little off the beaten path when it comes to aliens. But I'm sure that many people here will be happy to get a little taste of your species' culture." Killian tapped a few more keys. "Okay, it appears that one of the big hurdles is dextro versus levo proteins. Asari proteins are levo-handed, the same as humans. So there's no problem there. We just need to get a list of any asari-specific spices you'd be using, just to make sure there are no issues with allergies or the like when dealing with human immune systems. Once that list gets signed off, then the rest of the process should be the same as opening any other restaurant."

"And how long would that take?" asked Sheelya. Her pale blue eyes bored into his, making him feel like a sweaty teenager.

"No more than a month or so to get the permits," he said faintly. "After that, it would simply be a matter of getting the restaurant itself set up. I can help you with that too, if you like."

She gave him a smile that made his heart flutter. "I would like that, very much." She held a hand to her perfect mouth and coughed daintily. "Oh, do you happen to have a water fountain around? I need to get myself a drink."

Killian nearly knocked his chair over as he stood. "No, wait right there! I'll get you a cup." He trotted out into the maze of cubicles and wound his way towards the water dispenser, then filled a paper cup with slightly shaking hands. He trotted back and within a few minutes was back in his little cubicle. He handed the cup to Sheelya, who took it with a flirty little nod and smile. He watched her reverently as she drank deeply from the cup and then set it on his desk.

He really didn't remember much of the next few minutes, only that Sheelya had promised to return once she had the required information. After she had gone and left only her floral scent hanging in the air, Killian finally shook his head as if awakening from a deep slumber.

"Wow," he whispered. That encounter had been...intense. He'd never fallen that hard for anyone at first sight. Maybe the stories about the asari were true after all? He turned to his terminal and frowned. Was this the same screen that he'd had open before going to get the cup of water? He couldn't quite remember through the haze of his infatuation. He shrugged, and closed the screen as he kept on working. It wasn't easy, since his thoughts were constantly distracted by visions of a tall and stately blue-skinned alien.

* * *

"It was no problem at all," said Samara. "Actually, I fear I might have used my wiles a little too forcefully. I hope that I didn't break him."

"Ehhh, I'm sure he'll be fine," replied Kelly. The four of them plus Brenda leaned over Brenda's kitchen table as Samara placed a datapad filled with her purloined data in the table's center.

"It is as we feared," said Samara. "There is a significant property development planned for this area. The man funding the development is one Brian MacTuirc. He's a very wealthy man, certainly wealthy enough to have bought out the police."

"But _not_ Constable Lennox," said Brenda with finality. "He's a good man."

The asari nodded. "Indeed he is, but I fear his hands are tied. From what he told Kelly, he cannot dig more deeply into what is going on without causing interference from his superiors. If we simply go barging into MacTuirc's office, we will become too large of a problem. More police will become involved, and it will become too much to handle, even for us."

Jack rolled her eyes. "Aw, man! I just wanted to smash some fools. Why does everything have to be so fuc...friggin' _complicated_?"

Marcus crossed his arms. "Maybe we should just put more pressure on Angus."

Kelly got a bemused look on her face. "That will still create problems. If Angus is his business buddy, then MacTuirc might sic his paid-off cops on us. Unless..." she trailed off, then shook her head. "Damn. I feel like there's something we're missing, but it keeps moving out of my grasp."

Samara reached over and gave Kelly's hair a friendly caress. "Just relax and think it through, dear. You're smarter than the rest of us."

Kelly nodded and closed her eyes. "Okay. We can't just go in and smash Angus flat, as much as Jack wants to and as much as he deserves it. We also can't put the screws directly to MacTuirc, since to the community at large he's a respectable businessman." Kelly opened her eyes and gave a satisfied smile. "Oh, yeah."

Jack matched her smile. "I knew you'd come through, ya perky little slut!" The slender biotic shot a guilty glance at Brenda right after she said the last word.

Brenda just laughed. "Ach, dinnae worry about it. What have ye got, Kelly?"

Kelly's smile became beatific. "Think about it. Mr. MacTuirc is rich and a pillar of the community. Why would he risk that _now_ by consorting with a known gangster like Angus? So that must mean that MacTuirc has been been working with Angus for a very long time. This latest business involving Brenda's house is only the tip of the iceberg, so to speak."

Marcus got a very thoughtful look on his face. "Aye, I ken yer meanin'. We should dig intae what else has been goin' on between Angus and MacTuirc. They _must_ have some other shady things goin' on, and if we expose those then the police will have nae choice but tae take care of 'em both."

Samara smiled. "So we need more knowledge. I could work my magic again, if we can find the right policeman."

Kelly shook her head. "Too risky. If we ask around about MacTuirc then he'll know he's been found out. We're only going to get one shot at exposing him."

Jack furrowed her brow. "Damn it. So we know what to do, but not how to do it."

Kelly smiled at the biotic. "In this type of situation, there's one thing I always ask myself."

Jack snorted and rolled her eyes. "What's that?"

"What would Shepard do?"

Jack leaned back and pondered the question. "He'd blow some sh..stuff up."

Kelly arched an eyebrow. "Yeeeahh, and before that?"

Jack pondered again. "He'd shoot a whole bunch of dudes?"

"Aaaaaand before _that_?"

Jack pondered some more. "He'd talk with everybody and then figure out which dudes needed shooting."

Kelly pointed at her in a 'now you got it' gesture.

Jack now looked gleeful. "Okay, I think got it. We need to find out what nasty business crap Angus and this MacTuirc guy are doing, right?"

They all nodded.

The biotic continued. "Angus is a big cheese, but he can't be the only gangster around. We find one of his rivals and see what, whaddyacall, intelligence they have on Angus. Then we pick something that both he and MacTuirc are involved with and expose it."

Marcus raised an eyebrow at her. "That...could work. Would his rivals want to talk to us, though?"

Jack shrugged. "Why not? We'll be working to take Angus out permanently, and we're not some rival gang that's gonna be trouble for them later on."

The engineer blew out a fatalistic breath and looked at the others around the table. "Roight. Dinnae ken what ye all are thinkin', but it's about time we went on the offensive."


End file.
